I Find Intimacy With Women Difficult – Anonymous 006
BTAI stands for Boys Talk About It. It is an annual project undergone to create societal awareness of the realities of Boy-Child Sexual Abuse. The stories you will be reading are anonymously shared with us by real people, detailing real experiences.
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I was sexually molested by a young woman/older teenager. I can’t remember her exact age at the time but it was nearer to 18. I myself was 5-6 at the time of the molestation. What she would do whenever we were alone was that she’d try to achieve penetrative sex with me. So this included getting me to take off my clothes and touching me in ways that I’m sure was to try and give me an erection. I remember distinctly that she used bullying tactics to make me do what she wanted.
Because of her molestation, I started to poop my pants. I began pooping my pants again at the age of five, this upset my mother. So I got the habit of ‘holding it in’ to the point that I developed a mega colon and dealt with terribly painful constipation and passing of hard, large stools. I’m sure this was a direct result of the molestation. So my underpants had marks in them, and I was very embarrassed to take them off where she could see them. It hurt especially because otherwise, she was one of my few friends. We would play Nintendo together and such, but she also did the molestation stuff as well.
It went on for a few months I think. I told a therapist, my parents, and an aunt. I got therapy for the attack about twenty years after it happened. My father thought it was funny. I haven’t dated or seen women for almost the entirety of my life. I find intimacy with women difficult and I am terrified of talking to women in romantic ways. My relationship with women (romantically) feels devastated and I’m not sure I’ll ever be married or have kids. It’s very upsetting.
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