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Now I have Become so Addicted – Anonymous 004

BTAI stands for Boys Talk About It. It is an annual project undergone to create societal awareness of the realities of Boy-Child Sexual Abuse. The stories you will be reading are anonymously shared with us by real people, detailing real experiences.

PS: The majority of the stories shared here are by men who were abused as minors. Some of these men are now fathers. We will appreciate your showing sensitivity and empathy in the case of commentary. In the meantime, we will appreciate you give us 2 minutes of your time to help fill this SURVEY on how society reacts to male sexual abuse. Thanks.

I’m a male, and I’m a porn addict and a chronic masturbator. I was around 8 years old when I was exposed to pornography by my father, though not intentionally. It was on nights, when he thought I’d slept but unknowingly to him, I was wide awake. 

Initially, I couldn’t understand what I was seeing because it was absurd, but I could feel that my body was changing. I felt maybe it was because of the utter nakedness of a man and a woman I was seeing but then I understood everything overtime, and that incident left a permanent footprint in my brain. 

As I grew up, my little mind kept nurturing the images I saw back then. Growing up and with access to the Internet, I tried to explore what I saw back then. I truly want to know if it was all real and not just a déjà vu. Then I stumbled on some website where I could access millions of porn videos. I became addicted to watching it, especially when I am stressed up or alone.

This later led me to self-taught masturbation, and now I have become so addicted. I feel a weight of guilt every time I perpetrate this act, but I can’t help it. 

Over time now, I don’t even feel any guilt doing it again. I’ve never have sex with anyone before, and I promised myself that, no matter how worse my situation maybe, I’d rather masturbate. Even though because of my porn addiction, my sexuality had suffers so immensely for it, I don’t feel sexually driven for things which supposed to jolt sexual urge in normal people.

 I just do think of how pure and unscathed my life would have been if I had not woken up that night. This happened over some weeks when I was 8, I am 21 now and suffer from psychological unrest.

PS: I have never shared this story with anyone, and I opened up because this is an anonymous setting. I love my father and I understood it wasn’t all his fault overtime. But I just want to stop this, that’s why I speak up to relieve myself, and to let others know that, this society is biased against male sexual assault, even though mine is a psychological sexual assault.

Were you a victim of sexual abuse as a boy or man? Anonymously share your stories with us and the world  through this:

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